I feel it's probably grieving but depression can be a side effect. Maybe talking to a councilor would help ease the grieving? You will never stop loving your son and you will think about him every day which is how it should be. Talking about these things often helps and I'd certainly think about this as opposed to assuming you are depressed...either way, there are people more than happy to help you in this time of upset.

I have talked to a therapist. I can talk til I'm blue in the face. It doesn't change the fact that my son is dead and I have accepted it, but am always going to miss him and grieve for him and go through difficult times, as well as go through good times. People tell me all the time how amazing and strong I am to get through this as I have. So I want off the pills, but I know going off them is bad also, I'm just wondering about it because of my doctor. I often feels she doesn't really listen to me, puts words in my mouth and tells me how I feel. I just want some different opinions.

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. What you are dealing with is every parent's fear. My heart goes out to you.

I think it's probably both, depression and grieving. They kind of go hand-in-hand. I myself am trying to figure out my way after the loss of my mother. Even though she lived a full life until the age of 74, loss is loss. I, too, am going on, working every day, housework, dealing with my children.... but there are times when the pain is actually a true heartache. The idea that we will never (in this lifetime) see them again and we have to learn to go on and be without them, is so painful. People say time heals. I don't know how I feel about that. Time definitely allows you to look back and say, I got up every day, did my thing, and I'm still here.... but the memories are always there and we will never stop missing them or wishing they were part of our life.

I am weaning off antidepressants right now for fibromyalgia, but I was on them while going through the loss of my mom last year. It got to the point, where you are, where I couldn't figure out if I was depressed or just grieving. I'm doing well weaning off them, only taking one every other day, but it's not been easy.

I would say you can't be TOO awful depressed if you are coping and doing the things you need to do each day. Depression can make you STOP right in your tracks. Sounds like you are dealing well with a loss the rest of us can hardly imagine coping with.

But allow yourself to feel both. I'm sure you will juggle these feelings for years and years. He will always live through you. And... he would want YOU to LIVE.

My best to you, hugs.

Hello Bottleful,I am so sorry for your loss.I do understand your pain.I lost my son to leukemia six years ago,I dream of him every night,even after six years.It took me two years of doctors,counselors,therapists before I could even begin life again.I have slowly rejoined the human race,but I am not the person I once was.I have remained on the anti-depressants.I did decide once to stop relying on them,but found I needed them more than I had realized.Now I just accept them as part of my life.Maybe you are stronger than I am,and it will work for you,I hope so.Best of luck and God bless you.

Hello Bottleful526,

I am so sorry for your loss and I can understand what you are going through. I lost my son in a auto accident when he was 31, it will be 8 year May 18, 2011. He was my only child. When you loose a child it leave such a void in your heart that take time to heal, it is different for everyone. I had to take the depression medication also but it was some years later before I was able to cope and not need them. I went through four or five to finally find one that worked for me. His death effected me in so many ways I will never be the same. I had wonderful support from my family and church family. The only comfort I can give you is that time will heal. I have two beautiful granddaughter that I see him in everyday and I do not question why this had to happen, I just try to make the most of what I do have and work my way through the greatest lost in my life. God bless and keep you.

I also lost my mother in an accident 20 years ago. She was 48 and I am now 47. It was very difficult, but this is much worse. But at the same time, I think having gone through her death has helped me get through this. I've been through this before, and they are together. I think I'm going to try and wean off the antidepressants. I can always go back on if I can't deal with life. Right?

One thing Bottleful526...before you decide to wean from antidepressants, tell your doctor that's what you'd like to do and get his or her okay. When you change a dosage of antidepressant medication, you may worsen your symptoms and a doctor should be monitoring what you do.

I don't know what else you've tried besides the medication and putting one foot in front of the other to survive your days but it may be helpful for you to investigate meditation or yoga that includes a meditative practice. Not for spiritual reasons, but for more control and balance between your mind and body. Restorative yoga and breathing practice can help supplement your desire to be away from the medication. It can help you regain focus and perspective. I'm not sure if this is something you'd like to try but it can work well if you give it a chance.

Check out this organization: Compassionate Friends, compassionatefriends.org. They are a great organization that has support groups and resources for families that have lost a child.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Of course you're grieving, it may not be the deep, you feel like you want to die too, kind of grieving you felt when you first lost your son, but the grieving process is never something you really get over completely. Give yourself time.

Nothing will ever replace him, but perhaps in the future when you have grandchildren you'll see a bit of him in his nephews and nieces and those memories will make you smile a bit more than now. Find your joy where you can.

You sound like you have lots of support from those who love you, and it's OK to occasionally still cry and talk about it, you don't need to think you should not still be grieving at all. If you need a cry from time to time, cry.

Yes, I know the effects of withdrawal from antidepressants. I withdrew from 3 other ones. It is awful, I can understand why people that are addicted to drugs can't get off them. I do it very, very slowly and keep telling myself it's the withdrawal , not me. The yoga is a great idea. I used to do it, but got away from it after surgery a few years ago. I will start it again. And I have been taught about meditation from my therapist. I'm not good at it but maybe I should try it again and keep practicing. Thanks for the support, keep it coming!

I'm sorry for your loss, bottleful. I understand your desire to work through this, and the difficulty you're having. It's reassuring - and you should take strength from it - that you are focused on finding ways to feel better, even when you don't.

The sudden loss of a child or loved one can create two powerful tides in us, feelings of both grief and depression. These feelings are perfectly natural and normal and expected, given your loss. What you're seeking is to be able to function and carry on your life while you're feeling this way.

If you haven't already had this advice, it may be helpful to see grieving and depression as two quite separate events in your life, not the same thing. How you deal with grieving can be very different than how you deal with feeling depressed.

There is no set time when grieving "should" stop. It can be different for different people. Unlike depression, grief very often is a process, a series of stages we go through, according to many experts. We may find ourselves having difficultly with one or more of those stages. Grief creates reactions in us of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Experts find that most people go through each of these stages as we come to grips with our loss. Finding support for going through the grieving process - and these stages - is often helpful, and sometimes essential, to recovering ourselves.

Medications to treat depression can sometimes help keep things in our life in better order or balance, so we can deal with them better, and not make things worse. There's no point making things tougher on ourselves. But, if the side effects and the medications are getting in the way, that may outweigh their benefits.

Probably the most important thing about moving away from the medications is to be sure and have a professional keep track of how you're doing. When we're depressed, we can lose our objectivity, and not be fully aware of how we're behaving from an outside point of view.

If I were to make a suggestion, it would be to find some help - a therapist, group, whatever you may be comfortable with - to let you grieve, and to manage your grief in your own way and in your own time. You may need to discover what that is. This is different than treating the depression that comes with loss and grief.

I hope this helps you find some relief.

I can be hard on myself, but thank you for telling me it is ok, to cry once in a while, and I realize of course all the time is not good. Because on the antidepressants I very seldom ever cry anymore. They make me feel emotionally numb and I don't feel much of anything. I need to feel again. And sometimes I need to cry, and for some reason I feel like my doctor is telling me I shouldn't.

Then, instead of completely going off your antidepressants, speak with your doctor and tell him exactly what you just wrote. You may need a lower dose, or simply try another med, you may find one that won't leave you with that numb feeling --BTW I know exactly what you mean, I had a bout of situational depression and I'd rather feel sad and work out the sadness than not to care at all. In any case, you only take a med for a condition you have, you don't really know how you'll be if you wean yourself off, but there's no harm in trying. You can always resume if a lower dose or different med leaves you feeling depressed and withdrawn.

Hi there Bottleful526. It's been 14 years since I lost my little girl. Yes, the pain doesn't go away, but it gets "easier" to deal with. The good memories will start to come, without the attack of the bad one on top of it. Give yourself time. And, please, don't let anyone tell you that you need to feel anything different than what you feel. I actually had someone tell me they knew how I felt, because they had once lost their dog. Really? Now, if you feel like you no longer want to be on anti-depressants, this is YOUR choice, but, like the above comments, please consult your doctor! That being said, you sound strong, and able! You can do this if you so choose. Take your own time, there is no cure for what you're feeling, Not trying to be pushy here, but if you believe in God, then trust in His grace. It comes to you through your family, friends, and even those of us here on webanswers! :) Good luck to you, you can and will get through this.

Whatever it is, it is normal. If I lost my son, I would never, never, never get over it! I don't think anyone ever really gets over it, you just learn to live with it.

It sounds to me like you are learning to live with it, but outside forces keep telling you to take anti-depressants?!

You want to stop taking the drugs- just stop! Anti-depressants have been found to be addictive and have all kinds of horrible side effects. You do not need them. (It has also been found that certain doctors and psychologists have an interest in keeping you on drugs because they make extra income from Big Pharma) You do not need to numb yourself. It is okay to feel sad, and you need to experience your feelings to continue to work through them.

When you do have unbearable bouts of sadness, have a list of things you can do to overcome them. Go for a walk, call a friend for lunch, watch a comedy....allow yourself to feel the sadness then find some ways to snap out of it.

Your son will always be in your heart, and you should allow yourself to think about him, all the wonderful memories you will hold forever. But you will also be forever devastated by the loss, there is no way around it. You sound like you are handling it perfectly normally.

Just say no to the drug pushers!

I am on the lowest dose and always have been. And this is better than any doctor or therapist I have been to. Neither one of them has been through what I have been through, but I know they are trying to help. I have two friends that lost their sons in the same year after my son died and we support each other but it's good to hear from other people and other opinions.

I am very sorry for the loss of your son and want to add my support. I am also sorry you and your doctor do not communicate better. Of all the times you need for her to listen this is the most critical. I am wondering if you have been as straightforward with her as you sound here. What I hear in your posts is a woman who is being told that she is strong by the people that know her and feels her doctor does not see that strength. Sometimes when we are in a doctors office we feel vulnerable and do not display our confidence. Maybe you need to let the doctor know how strong you feel. If you feel that you have tried your best to communicate with her then perhaps you should seek a second opinion with a doctor who has better listening skills. She may have your best interests at heart but he does not know you like you know yourself. Trust yourself and your friends that you are strong and you ready to do this with out the medication.
I would reiterate the caution against doing this without a doctors care. I would also tell your family members and your significant other of your intentions. It is time to trust yourself.

I also wanted to add my sympathies for your loss.

While anti-depressants are good, most doctors also prescribe regular cardio exercise for depression. I know it sounds simple, but really, getting out and getting active a few times a week will improve your state of mind significantly.

My heart goes out to you, hon, for better days ahead...